my innermost sanctum

worthless live's

heard off the radio this morning that an undergraduate in her early twenties allegedly threw her newborn baby down the rubbish chute of her flat.

are these LCD bint's truly traumatised by the shite they had gotten themselves into that they had to kill their own flesh and blood? this murderer is in her early twenties, and goes to university, for crying out loud.

it seemed a mighty waste educating these defective amoebas who could make themselves more useful by:
1. flipping burgers at mcdonald's
2. whoring themselves in nearby countries

even callin' this bozo amoeba is an insult to that single-celled organism. this serves to show that her most recent ancestors made the jump from ape straight to homo sapiens without going through the neantherdal and homo erectus stages.

today's toons

sacrilege

just heard on the radio - a remake of the late andy gibb's "i just want to be your everything". that is almost 30 years old.

really, are today's warblers so unoriginal that they have to rip off old hits?

regret?

it's times like this i rue cancelling the sport subscription on cable. it's the ireland vs england rugger. now on as we speak.

grumble, mutter.

life according to the letter b

dark-haired fellas who go peroxided blond due to reasons like:
1. just because it's the in-thing to do
2. wanting to look like some superstar
3. attracting the attention of the opposite sex

are, frankly, not dissimilar to birds who go peroxided blonde. 'nuff said.

picture this

whilst at the local last evening:

1. yers truly was chatted up with a fit south african and a kiwi geezer who
(a) gave me stick for my supporting england rugby
(b) happened to be manyooooo fans
so friends or foes?

2. some young nubile local bird's mates went up to my favouritest band, telling the lead warbler that she turned 23 in the wee hours of this morning, cue the happy birthday tune
- do these bairn's have to remind me how old i am?

3. some yorkshireman cum postie cum chav who's holidaying 'ere went up to several local bints and tried to snog each and every one of 'em. erm, including moi
- either he was
(a) under the spell of exotic :: puke! :: asians or
(b) is an utter loser back home in the moors
(c) ok so there ain't many exotic :: puke! :: asians in and about where he lives

4. said yorkshireman cum postie cum chav ended up pulling the local's resident psycho with equally mad barnet
(a) who's old enough to be his gran, no i'm not exaggerating
(b) that led to said kiwi geezer commenting, "..a match made in heaven. a psycho pulling another.."

5. i had my 15 seconds of fame warbling the "la la la la etc etc" bit to said favouritest band's take on the cranberries' "dreams"
(a) the lead warbler was prompting the few limelight seeker's amongst us to, erm, warble
(b) so i'd expect some regular's beggin' for me autograph the next time i'm there

6. erm, i was up to some, uhm, mischief and no, no sordid details 'ere :P

so there. an evening out with some mates - and meeting a pair of wee island-resident bloggers - with some unexpected turns.

life according to the letter b

a topic raised by the shakester. blokes doing yoga.

sissy or it's one of 'em sensitive-new-age-guy tosh? methinks i'm gonna get slagged off or given the stick by some quarters - read those comments.

anyhoo, i don't give a toss. it's as cringeworthy as seeing fellas doing the ballet. 'nuff said.

camel steak, anyone?

now that the wee isle is establishing a closer diplomatic relations with saudi arabia, i shall expect to see:
1. stockage of camel meat at supermarket's
2. pasteurised camel milk in different flavours
3. bags, wallets and suchlike made of camel skin
4. shawls made of camel fur -> i'd gladly lay me paws on!
5. camel paws to ward off evil spirits -> ditto

and wotnot's all over the place soon. things that i can come up with. i do really need a pint or three.

lurve in gateshead

snipped off the northerner:

dang, i live gazillions of miles away. else i'd enter this compo with a working title, simply called, "meetin' gazza... at the chippy".

today's toons

when it rains, it pours

hooray. it's been tipping down for about an hour now as we speak. and the sky's so dark it reminds me of london/birmingham/etc etc etc.

a welcome relief, this.

doin' the bobbit

i know i'm pretty late with this, but all the same. nicked off football365:

that bird ought to be locked away in some institution as she is right a menace to blokes. but on the other hand, she could have binned that severed thingy into the river or summat.

hey, i'm female, wot.

toons

ape mentality

it's okay for 'em chinks to:
1. natter away in their language in the presence of non-chink folk
2. natter away in their language even though it's bleedin' obvious that the other party doesn't understand a word

but it's not alright to 'em chinks if:
1. one of their member's engages a non-chink - read: darker skinned minorities - in the latter's language
2. non-chink folk reply in their own tongue when spoken to in chink

in addition, they'd turn hostile and show their displeasure there and then. but if and when the tables were turned, they would not hesitate to shout "racism!" loudly.

the suspicion that their most recent ancestor's made the jump from ape straight to homo sapiens is strong.

wot a bird

instead of calling 'em females by the generic term "birds", i shall now be more specific, as according to their level of intelligence:

i'm not surprised that woodpeckers are up there in the brainiac league. woody woodpecker is one fine example.

however, the omission of eagles, vultures and owls is glaring. surely these species are as clever as 'em ravens, falcons and company, if not cleverer?

canine personality tests

a boffin who apparently has nothing better to do came up with a test to assess canine personality. so that 'em dogs can be matched with humans based on compatibility.

said boffin further opined that there are varied personalities between breeds. which any dog owner worth their salt already know.

so, if i do get round to own a dog or two in the near future, surely my choice of either a retriever [quiet and trustworthy]; or an alsatian [loyal and reliable]; or a westie [delightfully cheeky but with mood swings] clearly indicates what sort of person i am. as described in brackets.

so, what's next? a human tolerance test for moggies? i'm sure i will pass it with flying colours.

it's official

i've had always been a collector of sorts since my earliest memory. like philately, foreign currencies, phone cards, bus tickets, postcards from holidaying mates, school and footy club badges.

and now, pashmina shawls. 100% fine authentic pashminas direct from india, bought in rupees. courtesy of an ex-colleague who's from, where else, india.

in fact, as i'm typing this out, i have to count using my fingers as to how many there are in my collection.

today's toons

today's toons

what's in a name?

cut and paste off the observer:

obviously the priviy council had conveniently forgotten there was a mad king george who caused an uprising and subsequent independence in all thirteen american colonies.

or that the council members are indeed german. like the royal family.

parched

after a year of mostly "chilly" weather and rain that surely put manchester to shame, the wee isle is now experiencing one of its hottest spells ever. and the thermostat goes as high as 35.5 degrees Celcius.

ack!

if the current climatic condition doesn't abate in the next two weeks or so:
1. there will be more occurences of bush fires
2. polluted air that will result in respiratory and ocular problems
3. all three - or is it four? - reservoirs will dry up quickly
4. the entire islet may be subjected to a water rationing campaign

i remember clearly back in early or mid 70's, there were posters and stickers all over the place reminding wee islanders to save water in view of the long and dry hot season. one particularly stood out with the following line:

"water is precious.. don't waste it"

if today's feckless natives take heed of the above, i may see cow's fly.

teaser

what do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

answer: a woolly jumper

back and forth

a number of folk i know seem to come and go; moving on to pastures new, or returning to the wee isle after a brief sojourn elsewhere:

1. on the wednesday - a briefly acquainted mate who turned out to be a delightful company left for australia for further studies

2. on the wednesday - another mate announced that she and her husband had returned to the wee isle after spending a year or so in south korea. which apparently, his posting there didn't turn out as expected. it was when i got to know her better that she left for s. korea shortly

3. on the thursday - the ex-gaffer who thought i had resettled in the UK - and whom i didn't keep in touch with for four donkey's years - will be returning to canada with his wifey of a local chavette later this year

does it only occur to me that when i just get to know someone well, they bid adieu?

life according to the letter b

blokes who walk around the workplace with a pair of sunglasses surgically attached to their bonces certainly look like a right twat. regardless fit or otherwise.

'nuff said.

today's toons

eh?

canada are more known as the nation that invented ice hockey. rugby doesn't even make it to one of its top, erm, three sport - ice hockey, baseball, lacrosse. if my memory serves me correctly.

such that one of its native's blurted the other day, "i didn't know that we have a team for the sevens... uhm, what's the sevens?" i raised an eyebrow and nearly asked him where he had been all this while but didn't.

yet, this chart shows canada occupying pole position in the successful goalkicking rate amongst rugby-playing nations. even ahead of new zealand and australia:

see where england is? the utter shame. must we need to be taught the finer intricacies of the game by canucks?

jonny, please come back. quickly.

source: the daily telegraph, under the "sport latest" column.

today's toons

tribute

one of those tales that will make yer blinkers water. briefly, the scottish town of montrose plans to erect a bronze statue of a norwegian canine war hero; of which, one of his duties was:

better late than never, the statue of Bamse.

b_mc.t's sparklin' gem

a spade's a spade. but if i'm told to say it's a pitchfork, i tell ye, i won't hesitate to set a pack of demented rottweilers on pitchfork the eyeballs of that defective git of a whomsoever.

me, violent?

copyrighted stuff, geddit? © breanagh mctavish 2005

shoot n stuff

with the snooty hunting set preparing to defy the ban this weekend, i pray they shoot this ancient greedy scum on sight. and then hire a taxidermist to do the necessary to him.

surely there are some die-hard manyoooo fans amongst the 50,000 or so?

p*ssed meself larfin'

found this gem off the lawn. trying hard to hold my sides whilst reading this.

so go say hello, people.

of flu and snoggin'

interesting. so the next time i have the flu, i can always snog the fella whomever he is, regardless?

so i shan't worry about being sued for passing on the germs, then. or, getting hoofed in the derierre.

today's toons

v-day

victory day, not.

i'm refering to today, the day which every ineffectual fool around the blue marble would rush to buy
1. an exhorbitantly-priced bouquet of flowers
2. a box of choccy's
3. a 300-quid necklace
4. dinner at some posh restuarant's where superficial types want to be seen
5. an i-pod
6. some wotsit

to please their birds. or that the above scenarios apply only to the wee isle.

seriously, what do you's think about v-day?
1. a mighty load of commercialised tosh
2. an excuse to spend yer hard-earned dosh on some bird who
(a) may run off with yer best mate next week
(b) you should spend more time with but for some excuse or other, didn't
(c) otherwise may pull a really long face for embarassing her in front of her cow-orkers as they all were sent massive bouquets
3. a really brilliant day to show how much you lurve yer bird

frankly, i used to avoid v-days in the past as i couldn't stand the sight of rose-wielding smug-lookin' pretentious bint's with too much warpaint on their mugs on the arms of their loser minging paramours. but not these past few years.

it's due to age, probably. or that i've become more cynical.

talk of which..

i just found meself blahing this on a, erm, website, see emphasis:

... blah yadda... the bestest and worstest bits.. blah blah..

firstly, it was activitists. now, worstest. says alot about my state of mind, innit?

nay, it's the fingers-before-brain symptom striking back with a vengence, more like it.

brain went MIA

re: the gay penguins. here i was ranting away, completely blissfully unaware that i typed activitists. instead of the simpler and uncomplicated activists.

how the fuck i came up with activitists, only heaven knows.

nay, i left me brain somewhere when i was waffling, that's more like it.

hmm?

an email notification to my mate's netted a response from an ex-gaffer whom i didn't keep in touch with for many many many :: ad infinitum :: moons.

who asked if i've had already re-settled in the UK as he remembered me telling him i was wanting to. that was at least six yonks ago which, to be honest, i cannot recall.

would any of you's remember insignificant stuff yer mates told you about that long ago?

seriously..

following up the story on gay penguins, the german zoo where the birds reside has been threatened by human gay activists. who were mighty insulted by the zoo's attempts to mate the gays with females.

methinks they had taken a step too far. or taking themselves too seriously. the zoo has good intentions to save this particular species called Humboldt from extinction. but non, 'em activitist's were more concerned with preserving their alternate permissive lifestyle than anything else. including the avian species'.

just pause and reflect: if the very existance of the human race was threatened - hurrah!! erm, for me at least - wouldn't 'em *homo's be somehow subjugated to reorientate for the sole purpose of reproduction?

would the penguins even care about us dying out? i think not.

selfish bunch of mong's with too much time on their paws, 'em activitists.

*homo's - a common wee island term used to address homosexuals

today's toons

delusional and conceited

i truly have too much time on me paws. spotted off this website, these cringeworthy adverts from a pair of asian birds clearly shows that humility, amongst other asian "values", isn't exactly their strongest point.

exhibit #1 comes from someone who claimed to be born and live in the UK, but whose utterly-desperate-fer-a-husband attitude and engRish betrayed otherwise. get ready a pukebag:

see the emphasis? methinks she actually meant
a. the lord Jesus
b. Hercules
c. cretinous

exhibit #2 comes from a filipina residing in, erm, the philippines:

nothing of the pukeworthy sort except the emphasised bits which even wee islanders like to boast about as well.

serves to show it's in their collective dna after all. or that they are terribly inept with the nuances of the english language.

an ode

a mate sent me this. enjoy.

ODE TO A ROYAL WEDDING

SWEEP your cupboards, move your jugs, make way for tea towels, spoons and mugs,
I've news to make you wet your bedding, it's time for the latest royal wedding

ANOTHER union of chinless wonders to rank with all the other blunders,
so let the kingdom yell and roar, "hurrah for the whorer and his whore"

FOR 30 years our prince has wooed her (though told his wife he ne'er had screwed her)
yet now our future king can say up yours, my bird's a legal lay

SHE'S got less chance of being called Queen than Joe Pasquale or Mr Bean,
but how Camilla will beam with pride, at ceasing to be Chaz's bit on the side

SO page the barons, counts and earls, alert all parasites in pearls,
bring dukes and viscounts from all fronts, and all the other Beaufort Hunts

TELL Anne to come with her gormless patsy, let Harry pose as an evil Nazi,
alongside knights in shining armour, Geri Halliwell and the Dalai Lama

AND when the couple say "I do" watch Phil The Greek, with rage, turn blue,
Her Maj will wipe away a tear, as no one in the land doth cheer

THEN it's off on a fairytale honeymoon, where they'll hunt and fish and romp 'til June,
and all we ask is they relax, then both come back as a used Tampax

even the birds are doin' it

in this instance, i'm refering to 'em feathered flying creatures. homosexual penguins to be precised.

all six of 'em in a german zoo. and apparently, they "...had adopted rocks which they were guarding like eggs in their caves..."

there was definitely something in the air or water around the zoo.

lookalikey

there is an exact replica of the death star in the cosmoverse - in the form of Mimas, a moon of Saturn:

image nicked without permission:

cue background music: the imperial march

wot the effin' fuck??

i don't quite understand the logic of some lifeforms' vitriolic arguments, in view of the impending marriage of this couple:

1. that Chas shouldn't entertain the thought of becoming king since he's marrying a divorcee
2. the union is a grave insult to the church of england
3. the union is a grave insult to the memory of the saintly Di
4. the soon-to-be-consort doesn't deserve any royal title
5. and some other obscure reasons

my rebuttal:
1. eh wot? could someone please tell me which century is this?
2. shouldn't we separate the rights of an individual from the church?
3. that cunning attention-seeking whore was no saint
4. see point #1
5. it's amazing what some people could come up with

come to think of it, i'm no better than those nothing-better-to-do noseyparker's, eh?

wot the effin' fuck?

yesterday at this restaurant where a new year lunch was held for my mates. one of whom, a french-canuck received a lunar new year texted greets from a splendidly amoebic wee island lowest common denominator.

said texted greets was in chinese hieroglyphics. mind.

responding to my mumbled "how rude!" exclaimation, my mate said she'd reply the LCD in french. which i wager would generate the following from said LCD:
1. "er, wat language dat, ah?"
2. "i dun understand french, sori"

wouldn't any of you's out there so wanting to wallop that amoeba into a pulp?

goin' blokes-mad

after visiting the grandparents early yesterday, i spent the rest of the day watching the dvd of this film.

nay, drooling over this fella, more like it. it seems that he has got quite a habit of falling for his leading ladies. which i must say his taste is quite rather questionable. a shame really, given his brilliance.

and then after going through some links, i chanced upon this other blokey. who may i add, is this aristocrat's doppelganger.

:: blinker's glazed ::

i seriously think me blinkers do need a good rest after all the gawping.

searched

this lurvely blog has been sought by a number of lifeforms who googled for:
1. the whinger
2. the letter b

i'm getting oh-so-cosmoversely famous.

pink power

is it just me or is pink *the* chinese new year colour of wee island chink birds?

it seems to be in abundance this year. especially on this islet. all sorts of shades of the colour that i usually associate with hello kitty.

talk of which, i myself wore the colour yesterday whilst visiting relatives. talk about irony.

what drama

poor thing's who ought to return to whence they come from celebrating the lunar new year. but for some excuse reason or other, didn't.

sample the following cringeworthy tear-inducing bits, nicked off the bbc news thingy:

reet. so where's the hankerchief when you need it most?

and of course, there was a piece by me somewhere amongst the loads of attention seeking opionated types there. i didn't enter my name as "the letter b" for obvious reasons.

bidding farewell

:: sniff :: to the year of the monkey. it's quarter past midnight WIST now - ie: february 9 - as we speak, so i'm welcoming the rooster with utmost reluctance.

i shall wait for another 11 yonk's for my year to come around, which means i will be 48 then.

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so in the meanwhile, i'm gonna brace meself for the onslaught of things in blinker-unfriendly shades of ultra bright chilli-red and tacky shiny gold.

really, whose bright idea it was proclaiming that horrid shade of red as lucky?

appalling

lack of common sense. or lack of grey cells. or simply a case of short-circuited neuron paths.

this blah by the idling chief perfectly sums up why i have zero tolerance towards 'em chinks. it's about her mate who's got a dash of chinese genes but looks it; which the following snippet demonstrates wildly inaccurate assumptions make by 'em misplaced racial superiority bastards:

even a malay ex-colleague - with an ethnic chinese grandfather who was given away to malays for adoption - complete with muslim head dress and name tag on her uniform, was spoken to in chink. those wankers' excuse? she looked chink, so she must be one.

and the most blood-boiling bollocks i ever heard, directing at said ex-colleague?

"oh, if you really malay, why you don't look like one?"

apart from the engRish there, don't you just feel like wanting to
a. smash this wanker's face with a boulder
b. hack said wanker into pieces and then feed it to the sharks?

on second thoughts
a. they have really flat mugs to begin with
b. they may just repel those sharks

to these chinks, if you have got some malay, indian, caucasian, or any other racial genes in ye, it's a mighty blight to the mighty yellow race.

and the most hypocritical bit has got to be their equally low-life bints of daughters producing half-breed chink-lookin' sprogs, like sows, courtesy of assumed wealthy white blokes.

see the assumed and wealthy bits?

crushed

i think i'm in lurve with the sailor i hosted yesterday.

i said that 'cos:
1. we had the same idea on bird's who put on fake fronts in blokes' presence
2. he likes birds who are self-sufficient and emotionally independent - hint, hint
3. we are similarly analytical
4. he dislikes golf also
5. he laughed at my jokes - erm, so does everybody else. well, almost
6. he's well-behaved - kept his paws to himself
7. i gave him a peck on the cheek when we parted - i'm the sort who *hardly* makes the first move
8. he's a specky - like moi
9. he's soooooo cute - not exactly attractive, must be his barnet then
10. he's half irish

that sums it up. oh and he's a decade younger than i am. oooer.

what is it with me and (a) folk of irish extraction (b) younger fella's, eh?

confused loyalty

who's more confused?
1. this particular englishman - still holding UK passport - who works with the canuck high comm
2. the letter b who:
(a) prefers attending the monthly great canuck tank-up
(b) volunteers to host visiting US servicemen/women
(c) sings god save the queen with absolute pride / supports team england regardless of sport
(d) steadfastly quaffs guinness only
(e) alas, holds a wee island identity card

of course, #2 wins hands down.

wee island idiosyncracies

a kiwi mate raised the following issue with yers truly last evening at the monthly great canuck tank-up:

absolute shallow crap like these are broadcast at prime time, mind. but alternative or thought-provoking ones are banned. how come? the so-called controversial theme that may upset 99.98% of 'em islanders', erm, sensibilities.

:: splutter ::

i'd like to think that the simple act of provoking their thoughts - or whatever remotely resemble - hurts these exact same 99.98% massively.

or that it's a sad reflection of this islet's hypocrisy.

hi sailor!

i will be hosting a sailor - or a marine - this weekend at a bbq organised by the yank association's home hospitality.

am looking forward to ask him/her about what he/she had seen and done in aceh. and then of course, the iraqi issues and what motivated them to join the armed forces.

apart from shameless ogling at fit *lieutenant types.

*note to self: remember to say "lieu-tenant" not "lef-tenant".

the chink invasion

as if the sproutings of take-away restaurant's, triads making a right nuisance and chink student's invading universities all over the blue marble ain't enough.

i'm of course refering to the sort of presence 'em chink's have to make in their host countries. sample the following cringeworthy bit that i purloined off the monthly kiwi business association newsletter:

so "asian" is synonymous with chink, eh?

also, no made-in-taiwan/hk lanterns? i strongly suspect those from the wee isle are hello kitty ones as i was told by a mate once that it was very popular with youngling's.

shock, horror.