my innermost sanctum

the silence is deafenin

to all of you's devoted fans of the massive whinger: apols for the silence, just having some issues to deal with at the homefront.

what i can say is when and if any of you's striking out to become self-employed, family support does make a hell lot of difference to your ego morale. the worst bit is any one of em puttin you down, that you don't have what it takes even before you started.

my mum is one such person - well, she's always been like that since time immemorial. just because i didn't take my studies seriously whilst a bairn, till this day she half expects me to fail in whatever i set out to do - especially my business. that says alot about her confidence in me - or lack of.

i don't know what sick pleasure she hopes to derive from my "failure" - touch wood. and the funny bit is she wasn't the least delighted or proud that i received an honours for my university course a couple of year's ago - which to me is quite an achievement for someone in their late 30's besides havin to juggle full-time work. and regular overtime.

and still had some time to spare to quaff guinness at least once a week on average. also watching the rugby world cup in spite of the looming deadline to hand in her thesis. oh, and playin road hockey on weekend's despite havin to sit for a paper the next day.

not that i'm hard up for her praises or summat 'cos i don't give a fuck anymore about not receiving any affection from her. probably she was silently cursing that she didn't have the opportunity to mock me. well, my gran once explained that it could be due to:
1. my not being the traditional "asian" daughter who sees to her every "need" - whatever that means

2. my not being the traditionally obedient goody-goody "asian" daughter as she still believes only bird's of loose morals hang out at pubs - in fact, lowest of the lowest common denominator chavettes do see pubs as pick-up joints

3. unlike me bro who makes her proud or elevates her status by drivin her around in a car; and possibly purchasing some grand palatial house for her to live her last days in - so that she could show-off to her equally fucked-up "uneducated" mates

shockingly materialistic? well, asian/ethnic chinky ['cos most ethnic chinks rate one's "wealth" accordin to one's material possessions] mothers of a certain era are like that. but then my gran isn't.

in short, it's not *my* responsibility to fulfil her grand ambitious plans - after all that she had gone through, all those year's of sufferings, tear's and wotnot of raising me. yeah, ta muchly, but she chose to become a mother in the first place, so she cannot expect me to make her look good among her peers. just because their bairns did same.

i've had provided her enough by givin her monthly pocket money, buying her favourite magazines to read, and helping her recuperate after her two surgeries by takin some time off work. so what more does she want? sacrificin my *own* happiness for her selfish sake? i don't mean to be rude, but she could very well fuck off.

she's approaching 60 in two year's time, for crying out loud. and supposedly contented with the simplest pleasures life has dished out for her. but apparently, her mental state is stuck at 18 years old as that was when she got married.

ouch? well, i don't mince my words.

really, at times i do wonder what i'd done in a previous existence to deserve such bollocks. but honestly, if not for her crankiness, i'd not be the thoroughly driven person that i am today.

or i could go the other way - someone with the lowest of the lowest self-esteem, who not only is easily jealous of others' "good" fortunes; but wants to own whatever Tom or Harry has, even right down to that pair of horribly ugly shoes.

right, other than that, i'm still in one piece with all my limbs intact. for that, i thank the lord above.

:D

as enscribed by the letter b @ November 30, 2006 03:57 PM | someone's pinged