my innermost sanctum

indigenous british cat's

obviously me brain is not workin properly today - not that it's a friday. soz, folks. all the same, enjoy the following snipped without permission:

THE SCOTTISH MCCAT

These unique felines have existed in Scotland since the time of myth. So fearsome are they in battle that Hadrian's Wall was, in fact, built to keep out not the barbarous Scots, but the fiercely territorial McCats who fought in battle alongside their clans. The bagpipe is believed to have been based upon the skirling war cried of McCats.

They have a complex history, being derived from centuries of hybridization between the ginger cats of the Viking settlers, the now extinct Woad Blue Cats of ancient tribes and the Scottish Wild Cat (although some authorities claim that the Scottish Wild Cat is a partially domesticated form of the Scottish McCat and this is borne out to some extent by a comparison of their temperaments).

These cats have split into a number of sub-breeds to suit local conditions although all have the distinctive "och-aye the noo" call. Highland McCats have longer, woollier fur and have evolved to hunt in highly efficient packs capable of bringing down a Highland Cow. They have harsh voices and impenetrable accents. Lowland McCats can be differentiated by their gentler lilting accents. Shetland cats are small, due to the harsh living condition, but powerful and a pack of Shetland McCats can easily bring down a Shetland pony. Orkney McCats are rugged with gale-proof fur.

All McCats have long hair, and frequently beards and sideburns as well. Facial hair is bright ginger in the Celtic and Viking sub-breeds, black in the Gaelic varieties. The rest of the coat is any of a variety of hunting tartans depending on clan allegiance. Those cats born outside of clan lines are usually Black Watch. The breeding of designer-tartan cats to suit overseas buyers is frowned upon.

Eyes are watery blue, bloodshot, bulbous and usually point in different directions, while ears exhibit uniform thickening and extreme hairiness. The muzzle is short and broad with a fine set of ginger whiskers either side of a squashed and flattened nose which is mauve-red in colour. Many McCats have particularly long canines, which enable them to tackle larger prey and which, according to myth, are inherited from the ancient sabre-tooth cats which once roamed the area.

The legs of Highland McCats are longer on one side than on the other to enable them to chase their prey along hillsides. Some authorities claim that the reason Highland McCats have legs of different lengths is for hunting wild Haggis (most modern Haggis are intensively farmed). Like Haggis, McCats come in right handed and left handed varieties and amorous mismatched pairs, as with Haggis, have problems. Hunting their favourite prey is simpler though as, if they miss the Haggis the first time around, they can have another go on the other side of the hill.

In all varieties, the tail is bushy and the same colour as the facial hair and there is a pronounced sporran, especially in male McCats. Although they have long, scythe-like claws for bringing down unwary Sassenachs, many McCats also have a skein dhu or traditional small dirk strapped to one leg, those lacking a dirk are pretty handy with broken McEwans lager bottles.

The staple diet of these cats is Highland beef, Salmon (generally poached), grouse, bashed neeps and boiled thistle-tips. Sightings of Nessie are generally put down to sightings of particularly large McCats swimming after salmon in Loch Ness.

Though born at any time of year, McCats born after a Scotland victory over England in a Rugby or Soccer final are most highly regarded. All McCat names are prefixed by Mc.